The love language of teasing

Teasing seems to be one of those things that people hate or love. Some people hate how it is something meant to be funny, with underlining nasty elements. Or people love it, because you are poking fun at the ridiculous.

Coming from a cheeky person, I love teasing, and it is something that everyone in my family does. My conversations at home with my husband are constantly full of teasing and jokes. But I have also grown up with the saying "The more you like them, the more you tease them".

But I know not everyone has had the same experiences. Some people don't like to be teased, and it can at times have the stigma of always being a negative thing. Especially if they have been picked on or bullied in the past.

There are several reasons that teasing can occur in relationships (1).

• Teasing is a way of showing love and affection for some individuals.
• For others, teasing is a habit and a way of interacting with people.
• In some cases, teasing may be a power play or a way of trying to be the center of attention.
• Some people may tease to liven up a dull conversation or to try and come across as clever and funny.
• There are people who use teasing as a smoke screen to keep the focus on others and not on themselves.
• Others tease their spouse when there are others around because they think it is a safe way to say something negative they've been wanting to say.

In my case when I tease someone, it is usually because of the first two reasons. I tend to interact with people in a cheeky, teasing manner, and it is also how I show affection. So for lack of a better word, you could consider it 'my love language'. Some psychologists belief that playful teasing can be an important tool in a relationship, describing the relationship as 'satisfied' if teasing is in play (1). Psychologist and Doctor Dacher Keltner, also describes poking fun as an indispensable social tool, which is vital to all healthy relationships (2).

But as I said, teasing seems to be a topic with mixed feelings. Family therapist Virginia Satir describes that teasing is often 'unacknowleged hostility' (1).

"It is an attempt to avoid responsibility for being honest. Teasing is often an effort to disclaim the presence of hostility and in effect, everyone loses." - V. Satir

Personally, I think it comes down to the actual intent behind the teasing. For me, there is no negative or damaging intent behind it, but with some, as previously mentioned, teasing is a way to make a pointed statement about another. I think this is why in so many relationship teasing can be taken the wrong way. If your experience with teasing is that it is negative, you are going to take it in a bad way each time. If you see teasing as playful banter, you are not going to see any thing wrong with this. But we need to remember that there are two sides to the coin.

Our boundaries and apparent weaknesses about ourselves can also be the cause for seeing teasing in a negative light (3). If we are teased about our body, and we are self-conscious about it, we are not going to take the joke so lightly, and we are going to take it to heart. Shrugging things like this off is hard when we are trying not to see the truth in it. If I am uncomfortable about my body, and my partner jokes about needing exercise, I am going to snap and think he is referring to my weight. But at the same time, I need to realise and understand that it may not have been meant that way. In saying this, it is far to easy to react before thinking about the intent behind it.

I have heard people complaining about their partners teasing them and they don't like it. Whether they are playfully teasing and the other doesn't realise or they are teasing to cause hurt, I don't know. Playful teasing is normal for some people, but those people also need to know that no everyone appreciates it. But it takes two to tango. The other also needs to realise that their partner is playful and not take offence. Talking about it is the best thing to do, and is what my husband and I did. Everyone has boundaries, and not everyone understands the other. Let the other know where the line is, but also cut some slack knowing that the intent is not meant to harm.

I know teasing is not everyone's thing, but I think life would be boring without it.

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(1) Do you wish the teasing you stop; S & B Stritof.
(2) How to poke fun; H.E. Marano
(3) Sarcasm, teasing, Why aren't you laughing; Logtar.

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There are certain people I don't care to see again

Am I the only one on facebook that doesn't want to be found by every random person? I know it is suppose to be about connecting with people, and keeping in touch, but I really don't want some people to find me. And those I don't know, why do I want them to find me and view my profile?

Today I thought I would double check the privacy settings on my facebook, and I found that my settings had changed so that EVERYONE could search for me and view my profile. Ok, I am ok about people wanting to message me if they need to get a hold of me, you know friends of friends that I may actually know, but quite frankly there are some people I don't want to find me.

My change in settings explained why the last few days I have been getting random friend requests from people. Apparently I am not longer invisible to the random group of facebookers- well not any more suckers!

I have always had this rule when it has come to facebook: I will only add you as a friend if you:

(1) I actually speak to you. I know lots of people, but it doesn't mean I want to keep in touch, or actually communicate with them; and

(2) I actually like you.

I am getting really frustrated with these random people that keep trying to add me just because we happen to know the same people. If I wanted you as my friend I would have added you. I have no idea who some of these people are, and some I know of, but nothing more. So I don't know why they would think I would want them to be my friend.

That and there are certain people I am happy never to see again. When I first got an account I hadn't really changed many settings, so I was getting friend requests as a result of, I am guessing, those stupid friend suggestions things. Unless for some reason people just randomly like to search for people on a daily basis //sarcasm//. Low and behold, a few girls from my graduating class wanted to add me. These are the very same people that hated me at school, and made my life hell. And for some reason they wanted to friend me.

That is what baffles me. Why all these people, that won't or don't talk to me, still want to be friends on facebook? I don't know how this works. I think this 'having to friend everyone' attitude is strange. Who cares if you have 500 friends, I bet half of them don't care what happened during your week. They just know you, so add you.

So obviously the definition of friend has changed to anyone I know or may know? Gee how things have changed.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I just the only crazy?

A different Christmas

Well this year will be my first Christmas away from my family. We just moved to a new city, and unfortunately it comes down to money. We visited them for my sister's graduation a few months ago, so technically that was our 'christmas home', although there were no presents and Christmas feasting.

I don't know about everyone else's family, but in mine Christmas is usually a big thing. I have a massive family, all of which try to come to my Grandparents house every year. So just picture about 70 people in a 3 bedroom house, including about 30 kids running around, and you have my family Christmas. That and there is always heaps of food.

There is kind of a routine to all the feasting: You arrive to nibblies and morning tea, and it stays out until lunch, and then it gets moved away. Lunch comes, and it is not your normal meal. The whole table is full of food as everyone trys to bring something, and my Grandma goes crazy cooking because she never thinks there will be enough food. And mind you I am talking about a table that sits 8 people.

So there is hot food selections, with the normal roast meats (usual 2) and vegetables, and gravy, as well as various other dishes like apricot chicken or quiche. And then their is your salads (usually potato, noodle, and rice, as well as garden salad), cold meats (chicken and ham), and then breads. You end up not being able to decide between a hot and a cold meal, so you have a small one of each. And then settle anywhere there is a chair and a group of people. There is always too much food.

And then a couple of hours later afternoon tea comes out, along with the few snacks left over from the morning tea. While this is happening presents are opened, there are kids playing through the house, and at some stage my Grandma starts a water or paper fight.

Yes, you did hear me correctly. My Grandma usually starts these things. One year people were actually running through the house with buckets of water, and no one really seemed to mind. And everyone gets involved from cousins to Aunts and Uncles, and of course my Grandparents.

Then after everyone is settled the cards come out, and about a dozen or more people sit around the table playing knock-out-whist or black-Bess. My Uncles mock fight among themselves the whole time about the other cheating, and you are usually in stitches the whole time.

By 8pm everyone is getting hungry (somehow) and the food comes out again. All the food from lunch, as well as a few new cooked meals hit the table, and the feasting starts again.

Later you stay up til all over of the morning playing cards or talking about random things, which usually results in lots of laughing.

... ...

So this year, I am on my own, and you can see why I am thinking this Christmas may be boring. Luckily my husband does have an Aunt and Uncle (and their two kids) that live here, and it will be tame in comparison.

But I was determined to still feel like it is Christmas, so I put the tree up, decorations and everything. It looks so sad with two presents under it. Almost depressing to watch. But with everything so different this year I just wanted to have something normal. I am hoping somehow, this 'new' Christmas won't be so bad ...

Bacon Lovers

For all those who love Bacon, I stumbled across this cake from the blog "Not So Humble Pie". She's got some awesome recipes, but I thought this one was interesting.

Bacon Cake

Let kids be kids

I am finding this video and others popping up all over the place the last few weeks. And there have been some full on comments about how the parents aren't fit to be parents, or they should be jailed. More than anything, personally I don't think kids should be encouraged to do this. Jail is a bit harsh, but the parents are more idiots than 'not fit to be parents'.

Kids mimic things all the time, which is why parents need to be so careful about what their kids are exposed to. In this case the kids are mimicking adults 'dancing', and if you turn on any music video show, generally this is the 'dancing' you will see to most club tunes. Ask a kid why they are doing it and the answer would probably be 'I am dancing like the singers on TV'.

But the 'singers' are not to blame for the kids dancing like this. In fact, in context, they are doing nothing wrong. They understand why you move like that, and what you want the results to be. Kids don't get why just that you do (or they have seen that is what you do). They don't understand the adult implications of the movements, and this is where the problem is. As adults we know, but they don't have the understanding, and they aren't really in the 'sex scene' yet so why would they. They are just having fun.

The whole reason behind these moves is for sexual arousal- do we really want our kids simulating this at their age? Of course, the reaction from the dancing partner isn't sexual arousal, they just think it is dancing. But you are still exposing them to a whole new world that they will have plenty of time to explore, and understand, later in life.

I think it comes down to the parents being responsible about what they expose their kids to. Kids don't have the capability to make important decisions for themselves yet, as they don't understand most reasons behind things. If you let a kid make all their decisions, you would find them eating a jar of peanut butter for dinner, not showering and not going to school. I think it is up to the parents to be the parents, and actually discern what they should and should not be doing. And really, dirty dancing is not really one of them.

I have been to parties where I have seen a 4 year old do this. Her mother was so embarrassed. Chatting to her, she was saying that she has been doing this for a few weeks, and since then she hasn't allowed her to watch video hits, and the Mum now doesn't watch it with her kids around. She had tried to explain why she wasn't allowed to do it, that it is something that adults do, that kids shouldn't be doing. The kid didn't understand and replied with "but mummy I'm only dancing like on TV".

This is becoming a common thing among kids, as they are being exposed more and more to 'adult things' when they should still be 'being a kid'. Their innocence in the matter only adds to the reason why I think they shouldn't be exposed. They don't understand the implications, and frankly shouldn't be doing it because of the reasons behind the actions.

It really comes down to parents, remembering they are the parent, and being responsible. Let kids be kids. They only have a few years of childhood before they get into the real world. So they will get there when they get there. Don't put them on the express train, let them wander at their own pace.

Thank God I've Graduated

Everywhere I go over the last two weeks I'm hearing about finals for the year. It's crazy it's that time of year all ready. People are studying like crazy, doing exams and looking forward to the break, and actual sleep. All this talk has made me so thankful I have graduated. No more stressing about study, exams or results, or my GPA. Not to rub it in for all those still studying, but it is a great feeling.

Every now and then I still get this panicked feeling. I feel like I should be studying, reading something, or just plain doing some uni work. This feeling would get especially bad when I was playing games. But then I would have to remind myself that “it's ok, you've graduated remember!”. And I graduated over 6 months ago! But I had been studying for 4 years, straight from high school, so habits are a bit hard to break.

I did a little research to find out if I could put a number on how many people are actually studying for finals this week, but alas, I could not find an amount to quote. But I assure you, there are heaps in the same boat as you. During my research I found an article about getting through exams. I had to laugh a little at one of her “study skill tips”:

Exercise.

Now she may have a fair point, but I know when I was studying this was the last thing on my mind when I was worried about passing. Her point is that exercise allows a stress relief, but I am thinking I would just be stressing the whole time that I wasn't studying. It could just be me though.

But for all those studying, good luck! It will all be over soon … Now I am going to enjoy surfing the web and playing games … Just think that will be you in a few days, so don't hate me!

You're just too sensitive

"You're too sensitive" seems to be a common statement said to millions of women a day around the world. Men see us as thin-skinned or not being able to take a joke. So are we too sensitive? Or are all men just jerks?

To be honest I think there is a little truth to this statement. In reality, let's face it, we over think everything. We read into everything. And we most definitely take things to heart. But I am not saying that we need to 'man up' and grow a thicker skin. But in some cases, we find offence at something that was meaningless.

I am terrible for this. I found myself constantly reading into everything. Only now that I am married I realised how bad I used to be. A little thing like my partner wanting to have a day to himself to chill out and play games. I used to read into this as 'He doesn't want to be around me- what is wrong with me?

So why do we as females seem 'more sensitive' than men. It seems to have something to do with our genes. Now I am not saying that our genes cause us to be more sensitive but he does say it is an influencing factor. Some people are born into the 'hypersensitive' category, and some never grow out of it.

Now being born in a certain category doesn't outright determine your sensitivity. Other factors do influence it, such as your family, the parenting style and also day to day experiences. But some people don't grow out of this category.

It may seem like I am trying to blame sensitive on 'that's just how I am', but brings some interesting insight into the equation. There is an upside to being 'thin-skinned though:

"Sensitive people encourage others to feel that their opinions matter, they're usually good listeners, and they're naturally empathetic. And because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be patient with the imperfections of others."
- Dr Johnson, 'Are you too sensitive'

So at least there is a little of an upside to the situation. But I don't think that we should use the excuse of 'I am sensitive' to find offence so easily. There are a lot of people that fall outside of the sensitive category. And we will come across them everyday.

I know I am sensitive, so I tell myself it is really my choice whether or not I let it govern me and my actions. I know I read into everything, so I try not to take everything to heart. I try to remember that people do like to joke, and not everything people say is said in seriousness. It's not really fair if I judge everyone because I am sensitive all the time.

More than anything I need to keep things in perspective, especially the perspective of that person. Not everything they say is suppose to offend, and most likely it doesn't cross their mind, they are just saying what they think is reasonable. Yeah, I know their are some real jerks, but most people don't intentionally try to offend other people.

Studies have shown that women tend to be more sensitive then men in general. Another interesting point is women also tend to be more patience and empathetic, where as men are more about problem solving and tend to be more logical than emotional. With this in mind you can see why we find so many men insensitive. It's not that they are insensitive to your feelings, it's just that they haven't really considered the emotional side to it. To them their answer is logical, and they can't understand why it would upset us.

"It's less that women are more sensitive than that they have more invested in getting along. Women like to bond with others and work toward the goal of mutual cooperation. Males, by contrast, tend to be oriented toward immediate results."

- Dr. Legato, the author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget.

This 'immediate results' factor is a constant problem with me and my husband. I may comment about something that is frustrating me, and suddenly he thinks that I am asking him to solve the problem. So he gets angry because my problem seems emotional, and he doesn't know how to fix it. After lots of tears and explaining, he now realises that I am not looking for an immediate result, I just more wanted to get something off my chest.

I just wanted to leave you with a story that probably a lot of people can relate to:

I was beyond meltdown as I shrieked for my husband's help.

"What did you do?" he asked me, sounding like a cop shaking down a suspect. "What I always do," I answered, teeth clenched. "I saved the file."

"You must have done something wrong."

"Don't speak to me like that," I replied, tears welling.

That night, after we'd both calmed down -- and the lost file had been retrieved -- he explained that by asking what I did he was simply trying to retrace my steps. But all I heard was that he was calling me an idiot. Which illustrates a basic principle of sensitivity: Sometimes we're reacting not to what people say, but to how they say it. (Another characteristic shared by sensitive people is an almost canine ability to hear certain tones to which others are deaf.)

Was my husband tactless? I believe he was. Did I overreact? Guilty as charged. All of which goes to show that the point at which perceptive awareness ends and oversensitivity begins is an ever-moving target. Who's ultimately at fault? Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's you, sometimes we're both behaving badly.

- "Are you too Sensitive", Sally Koslow.

Getting started

I have restarted this first post about 10 or so times. I keep changing my mind about what I want the first post to be about. Did I want it witty? interesting? funny? I don't know. All I know is I want this blog to ACTUALLY be interesting to read.

I have read blogs in the past that are boring. It is almost like a diary of events. In some cases this really works. But it depends on what exactly the diary is depicting. The day to day of an interesting or unusual job? Yeah, I can get into that. The crazy life of a mother with 10 kids, who is witty? Yes, that could be interesting. A crazy old cat woman? I could definitely read this. But the boring 'I went to the shop and bought milk' blogs don't do it for me.

So hopefully I can make this interesting for you; I don't want to be in the milk buying blogs- my life is already depressing.

Recently I gave up working in PR to pursue a writing career. Well ... not really a career at the moment, more a poor starving artist, but luckily I'm married so money is not my problem any more. So at this stage just trying to get started. And hopefully the finished product won't suck too much. I mean ideally I would like to be published one day.

So back to the drawing- I mean writing - board (if the thing exists), and I will check in again just so I don't go crazy working from home ... without people or talking for 12 hours ... not knowing anyone ... I think I might be a crazy cat lady ... Yum, peanut butter ... ...