The love language of teasing

Teasing seems to be one of those things that people hate or love. Some people hate how it is something meant to be funny, with underlining nasty elements. Or people love it, because you are poking fun at the ridiculous.

Coming from a cheeky person, I love teasing, and it is something that everyone in my family does. My conversations at home with my husband are constantly full of teasing and jokes. But I have also grown up with the saying "The more you like them, the more you tease them".

But I know not everyone has had the same experiences. Some people don't like to be teased, and it can at times have the stigma of always being a negative thing. Especially if they have been picked on or bullied in the past.

There are several reasons that teasing can occur in relationships (1).

• Teasing is a way of showing love and affection for some individuals.
• For others, teasing is a habit and a way of interacting with people.
• In some cases, teasing may be a power play or a way of trying to be the center of attention.
• Some people may tease to liven up a dull conversation or to try and come across as clever and funny.
• There are people who use teasing as a smoke screen to keep the focus on others and not on themselves.
• Others tease their spouse when there are others around because they think it is a safe way to say something negative they've been wanting to say.

In my case when I tease someone, it is usually because of the first two reasons. I tend to interact with people in a cheeky, teasing manner, and it is also how I show affection. So for lack of a better word, you could consider it 'my love language'. Some psychologists belief that playful teasing can be an important tool in a relationship, describing the relationship as 'satisfied' if teasing is in play (1). Psychologist and Doctor Dacher Keltner, also describes poking fun as an indispensable social tool, which is vital to all healthy relationships (2).

But as I said, teasing seems to be a topic with mixed feelings. Family therapist Virginia Satir describes that teasing is often 'unacknowleged hostility' (1).

"It is an attempt to avoid responsibility for being honest. Teasing is often an effort to disclaim the presence of hostility and in effect, everyone loses." - V. Satir

Personally, I think it comes down to the actual intent behind the teasing. For me, there is no negative or damaging intent behind it, but with some, as previously mentioned, teasing is a way to make a pointed statement about another. I think this is why in so many relationship teasing can be taken the wrong way. If your experience with teasing is that it is negative, you are going to take it in a bad way each time. If you see teasing as playful banter, you are not going to see any thing wrong with this. But we need to remember that there are two sides to the coin.

Our boundaries and apparent weaknesses about ourselves can also be the cause for seeing teasing in a negative light (3). If we are teased about our body, and we are self-conscious about it, we are not going to take the joke so lightly, and we are going to take it to heart. Shrugging things like this off is hard when we are trying not to see the truth in it. If I am uncomfortable about my body, and my partner jokes about needing exercise, I am going to snap and think he is referring to my weight. But at the same time, I need to realise and understand that it may not have been meant that way. In saying this, it is far to easy to react before thinking about the intent behind it.

I have heard people complaining about their partners teasing them and they don't like it. Whether they are playfully teasing and the other doesn't realise or they are teasing to cause hurt, I don't know. Playful teasing is normal for some people, but those people also need to know that no everyone appreciates it. But it takes two to tango. The other also needs to realise that their partner is playful and not take offence. Talking about it is the best thing to do, and is what my husband and I did. Everyone has boundaries, and not everyone understands the other. Let the other know where the line is, but also cut some slack knowing that the intent is not meant to harm.

I know teasing is not everyone's thing, but I think life would be boring without it.

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(1) Do you wish the teasing you stop; S & B Stritof.
(2) How to poke fun; H.E. Marano
(3) Sarcasm, teasing, Why aren't you laughing; Logtar.

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You're just too sensitive

"You're too sensitive" seems to be a common statement said to millions of women a day around the world. Men see us as thin-skinned or not being able to take a joke. So are we too sensitive? Or are all men just jerks?

To be honest I think there is a little truth to this statement. In reality, let's face it, we over think everything. We read into everything. And we most definitely take things to heart. But I am not saying that we need to 'man up' and grow a thicker skin. But in some cases, we find offence at something that was meaningless.

I am terrible for this. I found myself constantly reading into everything. Only now that I am married I realised how bad I used to be. A little thing like my partner wanting to have a day to himself to chill out and play games. I used to read into this as 'He doesn't want to be around me- what is wrong with me?

So why do we as females seem 'more sensitive' than men. It seems to have something to do with our genes. Now I am not saying that our genes cause us to be more sensitive but he does say it is an influencing factor. Some people are born into the 'hypersensitive' category, and some never grow out of it.

Now being born in a certain category doesn't outright determine your sensitivity. Other factors do influence it, such as your family, the parenting style and also day to day experiences. But some people don't grow out of this category.

It may seem like I am trying to blame sensitive on 'that's just how I am', but brings some interesting insight into the equation. There is an upside to being 'thin-skinned though:

"Sensitive people encourage others to feel that their opinions matter, they're usually good listeners, and they're naturally empathetic. And because they are so acutely aware of their own imperfections, they tend to be patient with the imperfections of others."
- Dr Johnson, 'Are you too sensitive'

So at least there is a little of an upside to the situation. But I don't think that we should use the excuse of 'I am sensitive' to find offence so easily. There are a lot of people that fall outside of the sensitive category. And we will come across them everyday.

I know I am sensitive, so I tell myself it is really my choice whether or not I let it govern me and my actions. I know I read into everything, so I try not to take everything to heart. I try to remember that people do like to joke, and not everything people say is said in seriousness. It's not really fair if I judge everyone because I am sensitive all the time.

More than anything I need to keep things in perspective, especially the perspective of that person. Not everything they say is suppose to offend, and most likely it doesn't cross their mind, they are just saying what they think is reasonable. Yeah, I know their are some real jerks, but most people don't intentionally try to offend other people.

Studies have shown that women tend to be more sensitive then men in general. Another interesting point is women also tend to be more patience and empathetic, where as men are more about problem solving and tend to be more logical than emotional. With this in mind you can see why we find so many men insensitive. It's not that they are insensitive to your feelings, it's just that they haven't really considered the emotional side to it. To them their answer is logical, and they can't understand why it would upset us.

"It's less that women are more sensitive than that they have more invested in getting along. Women like to bond with others and work toward the goal of mutual cooperation. Males, by contrast, tend to be oriented toward immediate results."

- Dr. Legato, the author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget.

This 'immediate results' factor is a constant problem with me and my husband. I may comment about something that is frustrating me, and suddenly he thinks that I am asking him to solve the problem. So he gets angry because my problem seems emotional, and he doesn't know how to fix it. After lots of tears and explaining, he now realises that I am not looking for an immediate result, I just more wanted to get something off my chest.

I just wanted to leave you with a story that probably a lot of people can relate to:

I was beyond meltdown as I shrieked for my husband's help.

"What did you do?" he asked me, sounding like a cop shaking down a suspect. "What I always do," I answered, teeth clenched. "I saved the file."

"You must have done something wrong."

"Don't speak to me like that," I replied, tears welling.

That night, after we'd both calmed down -- and the lost file had been retrieved -- he explained that by asking what I did he was simply trying to retrace my steps. But all I heard was that he was calling me an idiot. Which illustrates a basic principle of sensitivity: Sometimes we're reacting not to what people say, but to how they say it. (Another characteristic shared by sensitive people is an almost canine ability to hear certain tones to which others are deaf.)

Was my husband tactless? I believe he was. Did I overreact? Guilty as charged. All of which goes to show that the point at which perceptive awareness ends and oversensitivity begins is an ever-moving target. Who's ultimately at fault? Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's you, sometimes we're both behaving badly.

- "Are you too Sensitive", Sally Koslow.